TheNameisAmanda

little me against the World..

2012-02-03T22:21:00.000+08:00

So here you are again writing me when your battery is low.

Everything not working the way you want it?

Before your system begins to shut down, breathe…

Remember, this is how it is. So take it easy and take a deep breath.

Anger makes you wanna cry? Frustrated? Disappointed?

Leave that picture for a second. Let’s go somewhere else.

It’s not gonna work if you force yourself to think of something effin happy, you simply need to absorb the negative so it’s easier to compose yourself while it’s there.

But leave the idea that you’re angry, frustrated, or fucked up. Let’s focus on the problem at hand – and that is that your expectations weren’t met.

Hmm…this is quite easy. Let’s get you charged.

There are two sides of every story. So when you’re facing the shitty side, turn around.

Remember that all problems have various selections of solutions. You just gotta choose the right pick. And sometimes if it doesn’t work the first try, you gotta make a second pick.

This is how it is. And for you, old happy thoughts are highly unlikely to work. Perhaps a dreamer isn’t always a dreamer. Sometimes we have to be realistic.

Do you feel a little better now?

This is one small scratch now honey, so get going.

They probably just won’t go as you planned, but they’re gonna go through and that’s what’s important.

You’ll be fine.

The World As I See It

2012-01-03T23:08:00.000+08:00

The world as I see it, is a remarkable place
A beautiful house in a forest, of stars in outer space
From a birds eye view, I can see it has a well-rounded personality
From a birds eye view, I can see we are family

It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
Because you are the world to me

Yeah the world as I see it, is a remarkable place
Every man makes a difference and every mother’s child is a saint
From a birds eye view I can see, we are spiraling down in gravity
From a birds eye view I can see, you are just like me

It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
It’s not hard for me to love you
Oh I really love you unconditionally
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
It’s not hard for me to love you
Oh I really love you,
Love you are the world to me

You are the mountain, you are the rock
You are the cord and you’re the spark
You are the eagle, you are the lark
You are the world and you’re remarkable
You’re the ocean eating the shore
You are the calm inside the storm
You’re every emotion, you can endure
You are the world and the world is yours.

It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you unconditionally
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No, it’s not a difficult thing.
It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you, because you are the world to me
No, it’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you
No it’s not a difficult thing (No, it’s not a difficult thing)
It’s not hard for me to love you
Hard for me to love you (really it’s not hard),
Because you are the world to me.
Yeah the world as I see it, is a remarkable place.

12.19.11

2011-12-19T23:29:00.001+08:00

Today I had a long chat with my sister. We talked about different things and people and even came to more private subjects. It's true I miss talks with her, even with mom, but I'm already kind of "immune" to these things like it wouldn't matter no more as if it's gonna change anything. I just talk, of course, and be open about stuff in my mind. This made me realize how closed we were to discussing important things in a person's life sometimes. There were topics that made her feel awkward. Such topics I didn't care talking about. I have learned from the world, with my own two feet. I have seen, heard, read, experienced but from home and though they are still little, I am still proud. It's a little sad when I think that we were not raised to be open to each other, this is when you get surprised when you figured that after all these years, you never really knew much about each other anymore. It's like she knew me last before she got married, and since then I was on my own. So it's like 'til now she sees me as that 16 year old high school girl who was always the baby in the house. No complains, no regrets for me. Everything is probably meant to happen this way. It's not that I don't care what they think, but I won't need it to change me either. I've become who I am because of what I've been through and we may not share so much information about each other but it doesn't mean we can't be a family. I will try harder to surpass the challenge of being alone. And I don't mean it the negative way, I see it as an inspiration for a harder path to my independence.

She has turned into a Monster...

2011-12-14T23:17:00.000+08:00

“It was lately that I’ve been thinking about how she has been. She talks like an arrogant little bitch. She acts like a stubborn little spoiled brat. I don’t know if she knows but she’s gotta stop. This is just not nice at all.

I can see those sharp little needles coming out of her mouth when she speaks to people. Her mind just seems to have closed its doors for things. Her being straightforward has gone way beyond the limit. And I think she needs to know that this has got to come to an end.

I can see two tiny little devil horns growing in her head. Her mind just seems to have been poisoned by things. She has found refuge by putting people down and hurting their feelings. And she needs to know that this is not okay.

It was just lately that I started to worry about how she has been. Ill-words have become easy for her to say. It’s like being sarcastic and mean have become easier than being nice and patient. I want to make her understand the things she knew very well before.

The anger and hate she planted inside her seems to be nurtured by the demons. You may not see it, but I know it’s there. I feel her heart beat faster when her patience is tested. And her thoughts have been invaded by evil powers. Everything just seems to disappoint her and all she can see with her two naked eyes are dark shadows of frustrations and pain. She’s gone rude, sensitive, and bitter. She has stopped caring about other people. She has stopped caring about the world. And she blames the world for her undesirable fate.

It looks like she has stopped welcoming the spirit. And to hell, she cannot lose. She needs to get back to her feet. She needs to get back to her faith. Not for any other pathetic little reasons, but simply to enlighten her to the positive way. She’s lost in the dark and can’t find the light. And this is not the first time. I know she’s been there. But I also know that it’s much harder this time… because it appears that she knows she has turned into a monster…”

68

2011-12-08T00:15:00.001+08:00

I try so hard to force myself not to believe you.

I just don’t want to give up thinking there’s a better way than this, a better point than this. I still try to refuse to accept that you may be right. And I guess you’re right. No matter how hard I swerve to run away from fate, it leads me back to the same space, the same phase, the same truth. And I don’t know if there’ll ever be anywhere else for me to go than to you.

And I don’t want to hate you. For reminding me every day that I have lost, I am mad.

I appreciate the concern but you see it wouldn’t change anything. Even if I actually believe you, still, there is no easy way. What difference will it make? I am still to walk through the storm, I am still to conquer the demons. So I guess to finish what I started is best and I might as well gamble. You see, no matter what I choose, I am bound to face one end.

It’s hard to face the truth. I’ve never been bitten by reality so bad like this. And I’ve never been so confused and so torn than I am right now.

I know and am aware of the consequences. And honestly, none of it will be easy; all of it is going to hurt. And I am stuck in the middle, can’t move, because I’m scared to make one stupid mistake. I couldn't agree more with most of your inputs, you've made it clear and expressed your points understandably. And as expected, I connected the dots in all your metaphors.

But you know if there's one thing I've learned in the last couple of years of my life... the best things in life aren't actually for free. You've gotta work hard for it. And sometimes you're going to make the wrong decisions before you learn the right ones.

You see sometimes hiding and escaping are the easy ways out. But unless you get to where you long to be at, you suffer the confusion. And if you won't learn the art of acceptance, you will never be able to move on. There will never be any change at all. This is what I am learning about. Try to read between the lines.

Thank you for being there. You know I never thought it can make me smile to just think that I can depend on you. And right now, that's just perfectly what I need... someone. :)

Do You Know What It's Like? -

2011-11-22T20:47:00.001+08:00

How do you feel when you hear the words “I like you”?

Does it get you flashing an instant smile? Do you get the thrills?

I’m sure these words make the heart smile among other truths.

Regardless of who said it, you are flattered. And it motivates you to keep that impression there.

When your boyfriend tells you this, does it give you the chills as if your all time crush was saying it?

When your ex- tells you this, does it give you the chills as if your boyfriend was saying it?

Think.

How do you feel when you hear the words “I care for you”?

And you hear those words from somebody else.

I’m sure it’s easy to believe how comforting those words are.

But does it make you feel awkward to hear it from another voice?

Or do you like the idea of having so many flings care for you?

When a suitor tells you this, how far do you go to entertain?

Think.

How do you feel when you hear the words “I love you”?

Now these words are deep and packed with meaning.

When your boyfriend tells you this, does it give you the thrills and your heart goes melting?

When a crush tells you this, does it give you the same feeling?

If someone wants or tries to kiss you, would you let him do it?

Regardless if you like the person or not, if you want to kiss, would you kiss someone else?

I’m sure you won’t even need to think.

What happens in a bar where you and your friends hang out with some acquaintances and everybody expects you to flirt around and play around like you would if you were single?

What happens if you spent some time alone with a good friend who apparently admits that he likes you and expresses he wants to be together with you?

Let me tell you a story I will never forget.

John, from the first sight was no doubt a good-looking guy. He was a nice guy and he gets along with everybody else, even with Nikko who seems to be the hyperactive easy-go-lucky type. I was introduced to them days before we went to this bar with all the others. I know my friends and what they can do; likewise they know me and how far I go to break my limitations. The only difference was that time I was already in a relationship. I had a boyfriend, and he was there just a few hours ago.

I was tipsy but I was also called “boring” for not giving Nikko a lap dance. It was a joke and I wouldn’t have cared even if it was not. I gave my girls little smacks as it was an easier dare for the girls. My friends were drunk, but they could do that 24/7 nonstop (to exaggerate). It was John’s turn to spin the bottle, and he was dared to kiss my friend. He was all smiles while everyone expects him to do the challenge. My friend was excited, I could tell; and everybody else pushed them closer to each other.

“Wait. I’m not supposed to do it for real, right?” John asked.

Everybody started booing him and at first I just thought maybe he didn’t like my friend at all. They shouted “do it!” and looking at him I knew right there he was a little bit pressured between having fun and his commitment.

“But… I have a girlfriend...” John said, still smiling.

I was right. And I couldn’t help admiring him for the courage to say that in front of the group. It was weird that I felt so happy for his girlfriend back home, even if I didn’t know her. For a man like John, she has nothing to worry. I felt for him, somehow, and truly if you have that firm understanding of your commitment, nobody can come to break that. ‘Cause it would have been broken if John let it. It’s simple as that. And by this simple act you can tell what kind of a man he is.

Know your limitations. This isn’t something you ought to discuss with your partner. It’s something innate.

TORN - October 24, 2011

2011-11-01T10:12:00.002+08:00

So I was saying… Why don’t I take that big risky leap and move away from here? Start doing something else and add more people in my circle whom later on I can maybe call friends…

Okay. Now is that moment when I’m really urging for a new environment! Now is that moment when I’m about to spread my wings to get ready to fly.

Suddenly, my enthusiasm shrinks.

I ought to finish my Master’s Degree. Yep that’s two more years. And apparently the only thing that holds me back from moving.

Is this supposed to be good or bad?

I try to look at the brighter side of it, but, two years… I could be doing more; I could be looking at a bigger ball of opportunities.

Well, now is that moment when I’m left torn between two important achievements in my life; now is that moment that I kind of have to settle down priorities, ask myself what I really want.

If I stand on a cliff and look far and beyond, I see two things: independence and greater future keys. Independence is the change I want to have; the freedom to finally do what I want to be doing. But it’s like the more I run for it the more it is pulled away from me. If I stay and do the same routine in the same old alley I battle with insanity. Getting this degree is a gem I can’t put to waste for one day it can land me to the so-called success. But at the back of my mind I’m asking myself why…

Why must I run after success?

What’s pushing me to that road right there?

I just want to do what I dream of doing and be in places I dream of going, and to me, that’s already an accomplishment.

Do I really want to be a manager, a boss, or climb the corporate ladder?

People advise me not to hurry. But I’m 25 after today. I want to try something else. I want to grow and gain more experiences.

And if I stay, that is unlikely to happen. If I look at it that way then I don’t want to stay.

Every day when I wake I see the same old setting. And somehow, it makes me sick.

Enjoying my studies can be something new, the challenges can hone me, and learning itself is growth; now if I see it this way, I can maybe take two more years and extend my patience before I break free.

Sometimes I just wonder why it has to be this tough to be in the middle…

My Wish List :)

2011-10-18T22:26:00.000+08:00

1. I wanna dance.

2. I wanna sing.

3. I want a job where I can grow.

4. I wanna travel the world.

5. I wanna go to a place beautiful than what I’ve already seen.

6. I wanna party and get wasted.

7. I wanna kiss.

8. I wanna build my own home.

9. I want my mom and pop to be okay.

10. I wanna live somewhere else.

11. I wanna be a billionaire and help feed the hungry kids and dogs.

12. If I can’t be number 11, I’ll just feed them in any way I can.

13. I wanna go on a picnic at the park with a lover.

14. I wanna go back to El Nido.

15. I wanna drive my own car.

16. I wanna have formal piano lessons.

17. I wish visas were never hard to get so I can start doing number 4.

18. A wonderfully different celebration of my birthday.

19. I wanna play the guitar and write cheesy songs.

20. I wanna have more friends.

Random Thoughts III - October 03, 2011

2011-10-16T13:11:00.000+08:00

You know sometimes people dislike people.

And most if not all the time the people they hate are those exactly like them.

And they don’t even realize that, or, more like they refuse to think it is so.

I think I come to realize such when someone starts to talk how one person believes in crap, only to find out he does almost the same.

You know sometimes I’m also wondering if the life we live is about making an impression.

Of course we can live it to the fullest; of course it’s our choice to live it happily.

But tell me is life all about who does more or who did the best?

Is life all about proving yourself to the world and showing off what you have achieved?

How about us who were deprived to step on the higher pedestal? We’re happy with the little things; sometimes we even find joy in nothingness.

You know sometimes it just makes me wonder why some people live their lives in view of that, and some don’t even realize that.

You know sometimes I just ask myself a lot of questions just when I thought I knew a lot, well, I don’t after all.

And life surprises me a lot.

Sometimes it even puts me down.

And every time that happens, I’m reminded of how different I am and how small I can be in the eyes of the world.

What can I do? I’m not here to impress the world, or rather, I’m not gifted enough to compete.

But even if you don’t choose to join in, nature forces you to…in some inevitable situations.

See how ironic that is?

Even that really sucks sometimes.

Cheers.

Holiday in El Nido - October 03, 2011

2011-10-16T13:05:00.000+08:00

So the rain is pouring, and I sit by myself, writing a journal about how good it feels to be alone sometimes.

They still enjoy swimming, with the rain on their skin, that’s so cool.

Yes, I’m watching people get soaked up in the beach some feet away from the café I’m at.

The sea is beautiful.

I love the sand too.

This is by far one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been to. Also, one of the best holiday vacations I’ve had.

But this pizza’s getting cold and the juice is getting warm.

I hear bed calling again, or is it just my head? It’s kind of spinning, and yet my inner self is so geared up to write and savor this special moment with myself.

German girls playing chess in front of me and two couple pairs sniffing on shisha right next to my table, just sharing enough smoke to me and my curious nostrils. Some elder Americans with two young Filipinas…I don’t wanna discuss on my opinion to that.

Sun is coming out again like it did every other fifteen minutes. Seems like it’s taking turns with the rain for a couple of days now.

Still, it can’t beat the beauty of a paradise I see right now. Green little broccolis sticking into a really huge, more like gigantic, rock. They look so tiny from here, though I know I’m just a little ant to it.

What am I to do when all these ends?

Yes, in four days.

In four days I’ll be waking up from a dream; in four days I’m back to reality. And sometimes reality sucks.

This vacation may have rained or shined too, like the weather, there were times it made me feel really happy and excited; and there were also times it sucked that I’d even wanna go home.

But I still like it.

It reminds me that no matter where you go or what you do, life will not always be happy. You need to get fucked up from time to time whether you like it or not, for some unavoidable reasons.

Whoa! Power.

Ah, music finally in my ears…and the frappe soothes the mood. Solidarity fills me, and even if I can’t show it in my face right now, I’m smiling. I’m smiling for the good food, good music, and good thinking mood.

But once again the rain pours. And I’m still here. If I can make a wish I’d wish for more holidays like this. And before it actually ends I hope I find a good reason to do it again.

The Grudge

2011-09-19T23:06:00.001+08:00

It kind of frustrated me the very moment it rang to my ears.

I was right. He’s not over it. He just can’t get over it.

I thought at first I could just ignore it. I mean, you know, we kind of talked about it already and I assumed everything was patched up. Well, the case isn’t closed at all, and it will never be unless he opens up his mind and work through his own thinking.

Oh please, everybody tries to move the hell on. Why can’t he do it? It sucks, right, it hurts like shit, absolutely. But in this stupid life which happens to be unfair sometimes, we just gotta help ourselves too. You can’t force the things you can’t control. If you want to be happy, focus on those things you can control, and the first on the list is your own way of thinking. Yourself, your actions.

He probably knows it’s wrong to demand on such things from my mother. And I ain’t tryina back her up, I just wanna put an end to this. He can’t be too demanding of things just because she has done him wrong. It’s just not right that he now uses her flaws to hurt her even more. There were reasons behind every little detail of their story, and the problem isn’t with who did the good nor who did the bad, but with who’s willing to fully get himself up off the mud.

He can’t go on living his life in paranoia. It wouldn’t be healthy, not for them both and for that marriage. Yes, it must have been really hard for him to forget how much hurt it caused him. It must have been really hard to accept the reality that the woman he loved would do such thing. But hey, shit happens. In this life, there is no exception. Everybody gets fucked up in so many different ways. I can perhaps understand the fact that the aftermath is a long and hard process. But I don’t understand why he wants to cause them both stress by demanding specific things and controlling her. I mean we can’t change things anymore, the only thing they can both do is do better, the second time around. Just because she has done a huge mistake doesn’t mean he didn’t.

I can feel that he has not accepted these things yet. There is no forgiveness at all. Well it’s pretty hard I know, but unless he’s sure of it, he can compose himself and try to think of a way to help himself stop make everything worse.

"Best You Never Had"

2011-08-07T22:09:00.005+08:00

After all the kimi-kimi tikang han ak pagskwela kunohay, heto at nakapagsulat nanaman ako. Sarap ng feeling! Lalo na at perfect timing sa mga pagkakataon na ako'y nag-iisa, err--not physically. You know it.

Matagal ko nang gustong isulat yung tungkol sa isang taong hanggang ngayon iba ang impact sa'twing nakikita ko ang pangalan niya sa facebook. Chos! Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit suddenly naappear hiya hit picture at gustong ibalik ang ka-echusan...at kung ano man 'yung meron namin noon, iyon ay nakalipas na. Bakit kelangan niyang ipaalala sa'kin iyon? :(

Bakit kelangan niyang sumulpot ng pabigla-bigla out of nowhere at sasabihin pang gusto niyang mag-communicate. Ako ba ay chine-chenggay niya or what? Ngayon pa na hindi ko na iyon kelangan. Ngayon pa na hindi na ako nadadala sa mga ganong ek-ek na salita. Somehow, I was able to read you, Mr.. Get real. Huwag mong gawin sa akin ito kung hindi mo naman kayang panindigan.

Why in the world must I fly to his country anyway? Ano 'to, laro? Hehehe. Tsk. Ang mga lalaki talaga! Akala siguro nila napapa-ikot nila ako sa palad nila, well, kanya-kanyang laro tayo! Sa huli, talo ang di na magreply! Hahaha..

Ang saya ko naman na ako'y naalala niya. Kaya lang, it's too good to be true, like hello? So I just popped into your mind and your thoughts and you found yourself thinking of the memories and all that? Hmm..oh please..I know you're poetic, but I'm not stupid. :/ Ganon lang? Then you tell me pretty words that could've made me say 'awwhh' plus the :) after it - LOL - apparently I was more of a :-O ! And ?... geeze.

Itago mo na lang yung awit na binigay ko para sa iyo. Hanggang ngayon naman ikaw ang naaalala ko sa awit na iyan. At kung gusto mong manatili ang communication natin gaya ng sabi mo, okay lang, huwag mo lang akong puno-in ng mga ka-echusan mo. 'Coz I won't believe it anyway. Besides, may iba na akong gusto, at oo mahal ko siya. Sana maging masaya na lang tayo sa mga relationships natin, diba? Char.

Masaya na ako, sana ganon ka na lang din. :) Huwag mo na lang lituhin ang isip ko. Kung pwede ko lang sanang sabihin iyan sa kanya at unahan ang pagkakataon; kaya lang ang feeler ko naman siguro niyan. Bahala na si batman. Hindi ko rin naman maitatanggi na masaya ako't dumaan siya sa buhay ko; siya ang naging daan sa lahat ng malaking pagbabago na gumuhit sa buhay ko, kaya, isa siyang taong hindi ko malilimutan kahit papaano. At alam niya iyon...kaya ako ngayon...ay sasakay sa agos ng ilog...

Click here -> Best You Never Had

TEKKIE!

2011-06-20T19:25:00.001+08:00

Facebook rocks, Facebook sucks

You’ll never know just when to stop

Founders crop the billion bucks

Thanks to you they’re now on top

For boredom, for business,

To haters, to foolishness

For lovers, for buggers,

To midnight sun gamers.

Twitter here, Twitter there

Tweeting almost every day

Hackers play the internet scare

Techie rules the world today!

From addiction to insanity,

Destroying lives and individuality

Breaking hearts and innocence

Creating fires and decadence.

State your side, or go with the tide

We welcome the world of innovation

You and I have the freedom to decide

Hence we ride the new generation

Come one, come all

It’s moving fast, it’s taken its toll

Do ride, do taste

The pace, the gravity and haste.

Mean*

2011-06-01T22:27:00.000+08:00

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like a nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow
but you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean

All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean,

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

Scared-y-cat

2011-05-05T20:37:00.009+08:00

Here I am again wanting to say something. Actually, I will try my best to speak in general although the subject screams to be specified. Lol. I’m just waiting for Apple so we can have lunch, and I also thought about this one first thing when I woke up at Rashel’s. Parte chuva-choo-choo, kay bisan pigilan ko at the back of my mind aada it thought. I’m scared. Siguro kasi nag-agi naman gud ako hin mga sugad hini before and I can’t help but compare. I mean – I’ve always been the risk-taker pagdating sa ganito, pero habang tumatagal mas natatakot akong masaktan. Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko na kailangan kong labanan. Mahirap, sa totoo lang, pero isa lang ang nasisiguro ko sa sarili ko (and this one I’ve proven before): hindi ako susuko. Hindi ko’to isusuko hangga’t aada pa it feeling; hangga’t makusog pa tak pagtuo. Wala man akong makita sa hinaharap, kahit minsan nakakalungkot ang sitwasyon namin, hindi parin ako bibitiw. I may be complaining a lot but I’m not going to back out of this.

Nakaya ko naman ipaglaban ng mahigit isang taon diba? Kaya ko.

Kaya lang, nahadlok ako.

Tao lang naman ako eh. Diri nga diri ako natapod hit akon padis, pero, di kasi maiwasan… harayo hiya. Kun baga damo nga elements it nakapalibot ha amon (ha iya didto ngan ha akon dinhi); if your mind ain’t that strong to handle those, pwede kang matalo. At alam mong isang pitik lang pwedeng masira ang lahat, lahat-lahat. Ikaw kasi it nagpapadalagan hit imo utok; we have control over our minds and things.

If you want it, you can get it; if you want it but it ain’t right – there, you have the willpower to decide.

And bisan ano it imo pili-on you will be responsible for that; not anybody else, not even things, because it was you. YOU took over the wheels of your own mind.

No I ain’t saying I know better, but it’s a little like ‘been there, done that’ kinda thing you know. So hindi ko maalis ang hindi mag-alala dahil alam kong posible, alam kong pwede yung mangyari. Depende pa rin sa tao, sa personalidad, sa pag-iisip, at iba pa. At hindi ko rin naman sinasabing tama ako; gusto ko lang aminin sa sarili ko na… natatakot ako.

Call me a scared-y-cat, but it’s true. Hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin sa kanya; baka isipin niya wala akong tiwala sa kanya. Ayokong ipaalam na takot ako at kung bakit, dahil ayoko ring may mag-iba; ayokong isipin niya na feeling ko mas may alam ako sa ganitong bagay, at ang gusto ko kusa niya itong maisip at maranasan (kung sakali man) para una may matutunan siya – at pangalawa, nang makita naming dalawa kung paano niya haharapin yun kung saka-sakali sa unang pagkakataon.

It may not seem right for me to say that. I’m just being open. I think it helps to have this kind of mind-setting, somehow. And what’s left of me is to take it positively so as bad as it may appear or sound sometimes… it’s a learning process.

We can’t always have what we want – that’s true – not always, not everything; we don’t have the power to control situations however we want to; we don’t have the power to read other people’s minds and all that; and we can’t keep something that we don’t really own. Siguro ‘pag naitatak ko na iyan sa utak ko, hindi na ako matatakot. Pero sa ngayon, kahit alam ko iyan, siya ring dahilan kung bakit ako natatakot.

Natatakot akong baka isang araw paggising ko wala na siya. Baka isang araw makalimutan niya ang lahat. Bangin usa ka-adlaw diri na ako niya gusto. Mga sugad hito na butang angay ba ako mahadlok? This is present, my gosh, for goodness’ sake diri ako dapat maghuna-huna unta hin mga posible o diri posible! I guess usa gud la it ak buot ipasabot tak self – nahadlok ako mawara hiya ha akon. It’s like going back to that place I never wanted to go to. At wala kang magagawa kung dumating nga ang panahon na iyon, diba. I can fight for it – pero alam ko, hindi ko kakayaning mag-isa. Sa ganitong laban, dapat kaming dalawa. It’s always been like that for me. It has to be mutual.

As time passes, we will hear the phase calling…iyon…iyon ang kinatatakutan ko…gayunpaman, lalaban ako. Hindi pwedeng hindi. I swear even if this is the last time it could happen to me, even if it’s not – lalaban ako. It’s something I don’t usually do, something I’ve never done before (pwera na lang kung pamilya ang pag-uusapan); so this time, I’m not gonna lose it just like that. No I ain’t gonna give it up just like that.

Siguro nga tama ako tungkol sa isang bagay… pagdating sa 'chuva-choo-choo', lahat kaya kong subukan. And I swear to God this is going to be the first time! You know what I’m sayin’? Ito ang unang pagkakataon na malakas ang pakiramdam ko – how I want it, how I need it, how I own it; Ito ang unang pagkakataon nga masisirng ko nga ipaglalaban ko bisan ano nga balakid it aada hit amon atubangan. Hangga’t kaya ko, hangga’t ada hiya, hangga’t mahal namin ang isa’t-isa; I’m keeping it.

I’m scared…but it doesn’t mean I can’t be ready…

Letter 61

2011-05-05T20:31:00.001+08:00

Dear God,

It's been a long time since you actually heard from me. I was probably a little musketeer then, hmm… No. It's been years since I went to the Catholic Church; some months since I attended the Christian Church. I think about you sometimes as a subject, and then I always ask myself if I'm doing wrong for being like this. I don't know where to go from all these paths in front of me - I'm a lost soul. There are those rare times I wonder about so many different beliefs from so many different places in the whole world. If you can read this blog, can you tell me what's going on? You can call me; I can't call you, I don't have your line. But we can Skype too :) I'm sure you've been waiting for me to contact you somehow.

God, I'm confused. I avoided that fact but I keep coming back to it. Why do you have to make things so complicated? :-O What are your plans? When I came to this world, I learned to believe in you; feelings were so strong to trust in you, respect you, and follow you. There were times when I forgot about you; prayed hard when I was in pain; thanked you when I was in so much joy. Do I really need to choose a place to belong from among these groups when it comes to faith? I probably wouldn’t write this if I didn’t have a twinge of faith in you. I never saw you, never even read the “Holy Bible”, but I grew up with faith in your existence.

I have so many questions. If I read the Bible to search for answers, how do I know I can trust what’s written in the book somehow? I talked to you a lot of times way back then; I want to know why people have to have different faith when they all believe that there’s God. I have respect to those beliefs, but I just want to know why they vary – I mean where could they be coming from… is it from you, really? Or just people making up everything and starting the Holy stories? But why would men start up nonsense like that if they never had any motivation? There must be something.

Then, there are people who don’t believe in you at all. They have their own points of view, their own theories, their own explanations, and indeed Science is ingenious. I’m lost for words to defend you when I’m confronted with that probably because I never knew much about my own faith. It got me thinking why I believed in something I never even knew much about; or why I believed things that was never proven. Some people would tell me that’s why it’s called “faith”; others would say I need to desire it, desire to know you, and desire to look into the different aspects to eventually discover where I truly belong.

I’m writing this letter not to disrespect any faith. I only wish to let out my thoughts about religion. I was a Catechist in school before, I taught children about Christian living. And now I realized I never actually practiced what I preached. Although, I was teaching them more of the basic ones that was taught to me in my first grader too, Genesis or the beginning. To be honest, I did not understand why Catholics had to do confessions of their sins through a priest; I did not understand why we had to be forced to hear the mass on first Fridays; I did not understand why people of different faith debate about the graven images and other Catholic practices; I did not understand why others aren’t open about all these differences… and they fight cold war, they ignore each other, they think they’re all right. I got tired of these, God. And I’m no longer hesitant to admit that.

If you’re indeed the God that you are, you’d know exactly what’s in this brain, and you’d see all questions and confusions aboard in it. In fact, I don’t need to tell you all these, but I needed to let it go. There were times I got pretty close to you; times that I felt like you answered all my prayers. There were times I neglected you; times I felt like it was pointless. And right here, right now I don’t know my stand. They tell me I need to make one, they tell me it’s better to believe anyway and I think I still do, but at times when they tell me I need to know what kind of faith I believe in I start to question why it has to be like that. And then I end up letting it all pass me by and be better this way – the confused way, the I-don’t-care-anymore way. Still, I don’t feel that it’s right. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.

Naiinis Ako Sa'yo

2011-04-30T10:42:00.001+08:00

Inspired by a draft I never posted, ma-deposit ako yana tak mga sinisiring na saloobin. Mas maupay siguro kun magpakaubos ako yana ngan gamiton ko tak pagka-waraynon. Char!

I need this right now like pills to calm me down. Grabe - I felt it; felt it rise, I'm sure it wasn't just the feeling of wanting to throw up. Amo ngay-an ito ka-grabe ano kun 'pride' na it paiiralon..tsk tsk.. kakuri man..baga man ini hin binata-bata na mulay. De puta la nga yawa. Gusto ko gumuli-at!

Pero nag-bag-o nak isip, diri nala ako hit waray. Baga ako hin kadaan nga tawo. Lol. Sa araw na'to, ako ay na-bwesit! To the maximum level na kairitahan na gusto ko na ulit saktan ang sarili ko at umiyak ng umiyak ng umiyak ng umiyak dahil iyakin naman talaga ako. But of course, only in my room. I think if I die kung nakakamatay pa ang pag-iiyak, lol, my body is going to rot first before they find out. Siyempre - kasi mangangamoy na 'yon. Omfg, bakit ba dumarating ako sa topic n 'yan!

Isa lang naman ang gusto kong gawin sana.. ilabas ang feeling ng pagkainis ko through writing. Dito lang naman talaga ako tunay na nakakapagpalabas ng saloobin, pwera na lang kung tumatawag si Neil, makikinig sa mga ka-echusan ko. Bakit kasi may mga taong OA - di lak nakasurat, drama na - ba man kun hiya, di ko man pinipirit! Chaka! Kung tutuusin mas detalyado pak ha iya! Puro la hiya headline. Nakakainis kay pirme na la ako, puro na la akon yakan. Well what about him?! Pakiramdam ko, nakikilala na niya ako pero ako wala man lang akong siguradong alam tungkol sa kanya. Unfair. Masumo. Kailangan mapakiana ka pa. Kay diri hiya nakakagstorya in details. I don't know if he's just not in to it, or, ....haaaaa nevermind. Kahit magkausap pa kayo na magkausap talaga, makakalimutan niya rin na parang wala lang, or, tinutuyo? Haha

Bakit ba masyado akong sensitive? Napapagod na akong maging sensitive. Pakiramdam ko sasabog ako ngayon. Ano pa man eh nalulungkot ako kung bakit kailangang ganito. Gusto ko umiyak na lang at matapos na lahat, pero hindi pa rin naman ganon. Waray na ba ini katapusan na emotional b*llsh*t! How I wish I was naive. How I wish I was numb and insensitive. How I wish I was just as cold as ice para diri na ako naapektohan hini tanan! Nabebwesit ako nabebwesit ako nabebwesit ako!!!!!!!!!!!! Gusto ko pumatay ng tao! Yung galit ko nag-uumapaw na parang baha na dadalhin ng ulan ngayon (umuulan kasi). Puta la nga yawa ka - kun nag-aano ka man yana - saho! Bwesit ka!

Every day I see myself lose it. Pati pasensiya ko drained na. My mouth can't even control my words no more. Pagod na ako umiyak. Paulit-ulit na lang. Masakit na sa dibdib. Patayin niyo na lang ako, please. Ayoko na... Kung may gusto man akong sabihin sa iyo - napaka ka. You wanna throw the same stone that was thrown at you. Ano ini? Pailobay? Contest who resists or who do not? Fuck it big time! Diri ini mulay de puta nga yawa, pagtuhay. Yakan kun ano tim paso. Huwag mo akong gawing tanga. Dati na nga akong tanga, bulok pa, duruyon mo pa. Ano, nakakatamay ka? Wehhh..haha. Crazy sh*t this is.

I feel sorry writing this sh*t. But I don't have any other outlet. Even if I don't get anything from Chelsea or blogspot, I think the thought of just letting my anger out this way is helping me 10% of everything. And to me, that matters, and that matters kasi kailangan ko iyon ngayon - kailangang kailangan ko yun eh.. grabe ang bigat ng pakiramdam.. I know I need love now when I least deserve it, but even that makes the world complicated. Kailan ko ba mahahanap yung peace-of-mind na hinding hindi ko makuha? Ang labo naman nito.

Sige, amo ini it life? Sige. Sakay sa agos. Waray problema. Mabunggo kun mabunggo, titigil kung titigil. Maabot gihap kita dida. Siguro tama nga sila, hindi basehan ang oras o panahon; kaya habang maaga, hanapin mo yung pagmamahal na iyon kahit sino, kahit saan, kahit ano..tumaya ka ng tumaya - kasi we never know when you might hit the jackpot. Kaya lang, sabi nga sa napanood ko dati, 'anybody out there don't take anybody you love for granted..coz you never know when you might lose em..and you may never get the chance to tell em how you really feel'. So embrace kung mahanap mo iyon. Che! Emote! Arte. Gutom lang iyan.

Ako na lang magcocomfort sa self ko :) Les, try to relax. Eat, play some music, go out and do things to help you chill. You had fun last night - try to think about that - even if it's not gonna make you feel any better, just to switch your mind to something else. Whatever made you feel bad, it's the same and only thing capable of bringing your joy again. Yana kay lokaret man ini nga kachaka-an, waray ka mahihimo. Accept na la na nasusugad gud hini it de puta nga yawa nga kinabuhi. Masestress ka la pagpinanhunahuna hin mga tawo nga ambot ngani kun nahuhuna-hunaan ka. Besides, you've been here before, dapat nga mas alam mo na ang pasikot-sikot diba..so trust me, you can find your way out again. Then back in, out nanaman, then in, out, in, out. B*llsh*t!! (comfort huh)

Chuva-choo-choo!

2011-04-27T22:54:00.001+08:00

Well Apple and I were talking about the thing called "Love" today. I've been thinking about that since the morning and was a little confused about it in the past few days. I was like 'What really is love?' How do you actually feel or even know if it's love already? It's not as simple as liking someone, right...or being infatuated with someone who gives you the spark... When you say 'I love you' how do you mean that? What is the basis? There were so many questions suddenly. Whoa! Well can you say you're in love when you feel so happy with a person? Is it love when you're jealous or when you're too giving? Is it love when you understand your partner and tolerate his/her happiness? Is it love when you stay despite the complicated situation?

Apple described it as something you just feel; something that no words can ever explain. I tried to write it all down as she tells her story like I did an interview for a research paper (on love, lol, that's epic - not!) I came up with the first three...

*when you go an extra mile for someone
*acceptance of the person's being, beliefs, weaknesses, etc.
*wanting the happiness of the person - even if you're not a part of it

I don't know why I've been thinking so much about these details. I wanted to get people's views and compare them to mine; wanted to know their thoughts so i can relate 'em with mine. Well, do we really need to know if it's love we're feeling? When you're happy and you like someone, will you stop to wait and see if it was love you're feeling? Is it really important that it's 'love' before you are together or marry each other? When you're in the middle of a beautiful dream, would you stop to find out if it was real? What makes love?

Is it enough to say 'I love you' and leave? Is it really beautiful the thing called love? Or does it hurt like hell like what others'd normally say? Read below...

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable."

What do you think? Love isn't all about sex; it isn't all about the spark or the hearts and the smiles, or the shooting stars. Love isn't something you can buy with money, it's something you invest into..something you work out and norture, something you make to grow. Love can be everything, but it can hurt like sh*t too. Do you think it's enough to love someone?

You know things can be really playful. Now you see, now you don't. Would you be brave to take that risk for love? (to be continued..)

Another Trend of Irony

2011-04-20T21:42:00.004+08:00

Another day to spend straightening my hair out while I listen and giggle to colleagues’ conversations. They often talk about stuff I don’t really like to join in all the time. Well call me a kill-joy, but I guess as the youngest there are just people who’d shut you out just because they think they’ve experienced most of life than you did. Lol. Whatever you say to them, they’d say they know. Oh well, I’d rather leave em there talkin their crap out like they know so much. Imma roll my eyes to that. Although sometimes it’s funny how they appear like bunch of kids to me. Their married lives, I don’t think they’re happy at all. Lol. And I know they won’t realize that, so I’ll keep this one to myself. Otherwise some of them’d have something to say again. There they go laughing and talking about text mates they hide from their husbands; updating on facebook infos they can’t show to their text mate flings; changing names to add more fun.. well they actually believed all those could give their lives more spice and excitement. I guess that’s how it works when you get sick and tired of your ordinary married/family life and since you’re tied up with that fact you don’t have a choice but just try and do it anyway ‘cause it’s… fun?! Lol. Okay. I guess I wouldn’t know it ‘til I get to that age/situation, let’s see. I just never really liked texting that much, or maybe I’m just not that… friendly?! I’d rather spend my boring times writing. There’s just so much to do. But I’d probably understand why or how this came to them. They all have their own problems and issues with their husbands anyway. Well, I’d probably have mine too, I guess we all just have different ways to play the game. So I’d settle down watching, laughing while listening to them. I don’t think I’m ready to go down there and waste my time joining. I don’t mean to be a bitch if you’re thinking I’m acting like one again. I just want to speak my mind so come on give me a break. :D

2 Years Part II: Phases & Cycles

2011-04-02T09:43:00.001+08:00

It’s this time again when you feel bad about work’s routine. One minute you’re happy, the other you’re not. Now you’re laughing, later on you’re complaining. I think every employee gets to experience being hell sick of these phases and cycles – and guess what – they just don’t end.

I couldn’t have wished for a better placement. But this place is becoming null…a picture of an island I’m trying to get my way out of. Every day I come here looking forward to going off. This had been in mind even before, well I like it here, but I gotta admit what everybody else denied – the management is crap. I could maybe stand that since ‘business is business’ but in all fairness to other human beings I think we deserve a better treatment than being spit like were pigs and horses. I mean we may just be ‘some workers’ but we deserve a little bit of respect. And here, that’s a bit too much to ask ‘cause it was never given. They just don’t seem to care. And you know what they care about? Themselves. How to make a friggin impression. I mean yea we’re committed to excellence and our client’s success and all that – I’m there. But does that mean you take your own employees for granted? Those who help you out get those people you NEED to make that ‘impression’. All I’m trying to say is…we’re not toys. We can handle those pretty challenges…but we need your help, we’d make better results if we work together you know. At the end of the day all we ever wanted to get us going was a little appreciation. And like I said, it’s just too much to ask.

Letter 03/2011 Part II

2011-03-16T23:22:00.001+08:00

3/10: Cebu - I'm coming. The last time I travelled...I was travelling with you (my Alex). Now I'm sittin here, alone, with my gummies, watchin those two lovebirds (Filipina & Caucasian) melt in sugar together. At first I thought, "I miss the white face I used to kiss"; but then watching them for five minutes take pictures of em together again and again made me think like "oh god I'm gonna puke".. not like I didn't wanna do the same with my lover, but the same cheezy poses?? Hmm..anyway, I'm just jealous. But I like the thought of being here, alone, writing what I think is significant to my travel -- wait, I'm disrupted by these crews selling food/lunch -- I never fail to grin when I hear her talk and speak English, lol, I'm not sure if they have EOP (English-only Policy_ here coz she talks to everyone in trying-hard-but-can't English. Yea...while I sit here and write about her. Oh great. Well they're actually showin a pretty interesting movie - dunno what it is - gotta figure it out.

I wish I could make you, somehow, picture how I look like in this seat, no one in between me and another girl. When I look out I see endless sea; inside I see several heads before me, this girl one seat away from me mixing her spaghetti, and of course that cartoon movie! lol. The smell is a mixed perfume and spaghetti around me. Wtf.

3/10: I'm finally in this plane, a little sleepy, admiring those little kids near me with their mom...three boys...just wonderful to think of travelling with your family. You know what? I wanna do that. I wanna have my family, my loved ones travel with me. I wanna take them to places they've never been - even if they don't wanna travel. Anyway, will be in Hong Kong for about an hour or so. Sleep first - tired.

3/13: In a nick of time I'm back in my homeland...still tryina absorb the thought of my risk-taker self headin to Macau all by myself -- travelling has never been that interesting :) and yes, I wanna be able to do that again. Thanks, Hong Kong, somehow, you made me happy; you gave me new experiences I never thought of having...but above all, you kept me safe. I've never really appreciated solidarity like that...everything I did, everywhere I went - they all came from my own decision - and even if I didn't get to spend more time in Hong Kong, the experience already made it worth it. Now I'm here, Cebu again, lunch - on my own (that is so NOT me!). Can't wait to go home and see what changes it could make (if there will ever be). Hong Kong? I'm definitely coming back. :)

Letter 03/2011 Part I

2011-03-01T22:29:00.001+08:00

Dear Hong Kong,

9 more days and we'll fin'lly see each other for the first time. I'm 50% excited to be with you, 50% scared of what you're capable of showing me. Someone had told me before, how he was impressed by you. Will you impress me too? I wanna see how you'd make me feel good; I wanna see how you'd make me feel independent; I wanna see how you'd make me feel different! For whatever reason I'm headin' over to you, I wish to achieve somethin' I can learn from. There is definitely a reason why it's you and why destiny decided I meet you alone.. and whatever will happen 9 days from now.. has been waiting to happen for already 24 years here on earth.

I will see you soon.

Yours truly,
Leslie

Moon's Fault

2011-02-21T23:54:00.002+08:00

I can't believe Glee's S2E13 tells a lot about cheating. It's not like Glee is all about love and boyfriends and girlfriends, but those part of the whole story makes it really funny to watch. Oh my gosh - they're almost like Hollywood -- exchanging partners.. :-O And about Sam..poor Sammy...you know what? If it was a battle between you and Finn, I don't care - I'd choose you damn it.

I'm currently listening to The Script's "For The First Time". Loved this one like i loved John Mayer's "Slow Dancing In A Burning Room". Try check it out. The Script brings me a lotta thoughts, good and bad, happy and sad; I'd definitely play em on the car for driving. It's a good one for chillin out alone. Talking about thoughts, some days ago when the moon was so beautiful, I thought about so many memories..my childhood, some turning points of life, etc. When you're a child you don't have thoughts and problems like mine right now; you just wanna play and eat all the sweets you can handle; look forward to special occasions and events; fight or cry over things. I was a picture-taking-hater back in my stupid-little-girl years. In school, photographers would hate me for eating too much of their time before they can get one stupid picture done. My rule: Mom has to be in that picture too. Oh god that's just so friggin lame. :-O But it's true, I'd turn around and stuff, cry out loud and not stop until my ID pic is an ugly me crying like hell. Guess it tells how picture-addict I am right now. There was a time mom was gonna take a pic of me and my sis near the karaoke and my sister already stood there smiling like the angel that she is. Me? I forced myself to stand up beside her with my x( face not realizing I was already tearing the lyrics apart..poor little paper. :-O I, Amanda, on behalf of Leslie, is guilty of being the ugly child, the bad girl, the black sheep.

When I spent 20 days in the hospital for being ill, I realized how much love my family has for me. My sister, I've seen her love, not just felt it; my pop, who comes home to the hospital reporting for duty (lol-because it was our temporary home) plus the money he shelled out for my hospital bills; my mom, especially, for being there all the time to share my anxiety and take care of me. That was probably the worst experience I've had in my existence.

The moon also reminded me of Bliss, how i miss the place and the friends; Canigao Island, the sweet and serene beach and the fireflies at night..the silence where you can only hear waves crashing; Malapasqua, the paradise, the summer sunshine! The moon reminded me of me, and the big change I've been in in the last couple'a years. And I feel good about it, somehow. I wouldn't have been me now without the things that happened before. But there are also things you don't wanna remember.. (to be continued..)

Chasing Time

2011-01-02T17:44:00.005+08:00

My first blog for the year. 2011 it is. Another year to fight my way through and figure out if I'd survive again without falling apart. Only that this year, I feel like I'm running after something..

I know the year never really ended happy, but as they say: "every new beginning is another new beginning's end". I couldn't recall how 2009 started for me, but I know it ended with fun and spontaneity. I guess that's probably why I started to have a blast in 2010. I don't remember how 2010 started for me either, I guess I was too busy being happy, taking every new experience, indulging myself in. It's been a wild year. And I was having the time of my life. But somehow, I don't think this year ended right for me. It feels like I don't want it to end yet, otherwise I'll be running out of time. And I wanted to write this one because I keep wondering why, why do I keep chasing on time?

The feeling of not being ready is right here. Like I don't wanna face another year of frustrations and negativity. I gotta hit that goal - it's the only thing I think I'm living for.. why does it have to be so damn hard for me? I'm not scared. I'm just... stupid.

I wanna do so many things, and they're bursting out of my chest, and yet, I can't seem to take them one step at a time. Like I need to hurry or i'll miss that bus; like I'm running out of time to solve a case before it gets cold. It's uneasy like that. The feeling of wanting to do things at the same time fills me like there's no tomorrow. I don't think I'm just too old for this world, but I guess I don't wanna be left behind either. Where I am right now, it's suffocating.. it's the same old routine; I wanna change it so damn bad. I've been in this cycle for 24 years of my life and I don't want the next 24 to be like it, no. I might sound like I'm probably gonna eat these words in the future.. but maybe, at least, give me this chance to say this now.. I want out of this cycle so damn bad.

Oh I don't know anymore. Am I going too far? Or am I too excited to see what's ahead of me? ..if there are ever good things in store. In all attempts, I always failed. It was probably the only thing I'm good at: failing. And getting my own self frustrated. Then I cry questioning why my life's like this. I think.. I'm too negative. I feel so helpless looking up at that shining star knowing I can never have it that easy; never knowing if that's even for me. I swear I've never felt so helpless like this in my whole 24 years of existence. No matter where my mind takes me, no matter where I look, there's nothing and no one on sight. It's a long and winding road.. and I don't even have enough gas to keep me going. It's so frustrating. And I can't help but be depressed about it. I'm running slow on faith and gasoline. Will I ever get there?

Well I can't just ask that question and not anything about it, yes, I'm there. But - how?? There's always that wall of barricades before I can even step a foot on. I know I can't just let fate decide and wait for it to take me to where I wanna be; it doesn't really work, no. Fate is fake. It's as frozen as a statue. And I've learned that you don't wait for fate, you make it. I don't know when my time to shine will be. Maybe I need to put on more effort, maybe it's just not for me; but I'd never really know if I don't try. And I wanna do it so bad! The only problem I guess is.. that I wanna do it NOW. I don't wanna wait for time; it feels like it's already past me; i gotta keep up and go; i don't wanna stop. Not until time itself tells me so..

Jabber

2010-12-13T16:44:00.004+08:00

The smell of fried stuff in the wind is barring my nostrils. Same wind that touches my skin gives me shivers all over my body. Rumbling about in my mind right in this moment is my urge to walk away and leave. This isn't the place for me. If I fall down, who's gonna be there to catch me? If I humiliate myself, who's gonna be there to back me up? The food in the wind is slowly reaching the gates of my brain indicating my slowly fading energy. How I wish I don't hear the sound of the radio with a dying battery; when your ears slowly closes its windows; when your eyes start to snap out; when your brain shuts down.. all in a blink of an eye.

These fingers that type the words from my head are cold. I shake them once, twice to eliminate the numbness. It leads right through my arms and neck, it makes me feel tired. My eyes are tired. They're open, but they sting. How I wish Mr. Headache isn't coming today. This isn't the right time. If he does, what would happen to me? If I stumble in pain, where'd I go? And the wind is there again...; clock ticks as if I'm about to be executed...; the sand in the hourglass drops rapidly... time stops -

Okay, so enough of the drama. All I really wanted to say was that I'm hungry. And I know I noticed I've been hungry all the time when I write stuff, but I'm still slim (people even call me "thin" which I hate). So I gotta stuff up. More like fatten up a bit or something. Well I don't really care as long as my innards are fine. I'm always concerned about them you know we can never really tell what's happening inside. I mean literally and not emotionally. :D But in this case with APAC, some changes must be done. You know, I can barely eat on time, or even eat at all..and nobody would care, hell yea even if you drop dead and rot. I'm currently looking at the pictures from the party we had last Saturday, December 11, 2010. It was our year-end party themed Glam Rock and looking at the pics remind me of the possible last Christmas celebration I'll have with APAC. But that's okay, that's life.

Now is it safe to say that my ass hurts? Damn I've been sitting for almost half of the day. I don't feel anything at all besides the fact that my eyes hurt right now. And tomorrow, I'm going undertime with work because I need to process some papers. Plus I really need to get my kringles to stop myself from paranoia. I think a lot about so many things these past few days, even when I'm busy the most. Maybe it's a big part of being me: I think a lot. Like normally. Last night in my sleep I felt like falling, flying, swimming..then there was this ascending noise (and no it wasn't my alarm). That was like 15 minutes after going to bed and I was half awake (couldn't really sleep well actually). And right now I'm rewinding to the old days..high school days.. - no I don't wanna go back there, no.

Why are these people screaming???!! I hate it. What the hell is going on at the other side of the world?? Is it really really worth screaming and shouting?! Urgh. This isn't a noisy place, the whole friggin place is a huge noise walled and housed. If only I could tell em to stop screaming 'cause they're annoying me while I write my post! Haha. I'll just park my pen right here then. You can check out the-ultimate-show for more posts and the latest ones with Glee.

"FitFlop"

2010-12-08T17:17:00.002+08:00

First, who's the freak who created that title? Second, why?

Well, we're sitting here again in boredom, but this time instead of lovers cuddling in their uniforms I see FitFlop. FitFlops like flipflops, yes. That's a brand name for expensive slippers they sell beside us (with their red, long, creative booth). It matches the prices of the slippers actually. And why? Because when I was thinking about what to write, it's the first thing I saw. Simple and stupid as that.

We have 3 and a half hours time to find out if we're going to survive this day. And it's cold. Like the usual, I starved to death. This is also the first time by the way that I ate alone. Pretty weird. And even if I survived, I still don't like it. I just had to do it so my tummy would stop mumbling. I thought I was okay without breakfast and lunch but tummy was furious and I felt like throwing up. I guess I'm never gonna win against my innards. I have to start contemplating that if it's bad inside, it's gonna be ugly outside. Get the point of that?

Today, in my moments while I bum in this jungle craving for bananas, I realized I started to like writing blogposts a lot and wrote them often than I imagined. You know when I first uploaded my writings on here, I never thought of writing new ones spontaneously right after.. but kinda liked it since I'm the kind of person who needs to let out my thoughts and heartaches and write my feelings into words. So if that's usually the case, I may need to write every day since I got no one to tell it to, not even a recorder, you think a recorder would even like that? Haha - just like people, if it can talk, it'd probably tell me to stop. You wouldn't want someone talking to you about her fucked up life and sillyness, right? I mean what do you get besides a free yawn?

My partner is uncomfortably sleeping at the moment. Poor Eva. She must be really really tired she could sleep despite the different kinds of noises around! Then me, since this morning, been seeing a lot of babies: fat, thin, small, huge, cute, ugly.. Haha - some who are bigger than their age and could not walk properly - too funny! <3 They're all cute to watch (especially if that's the only thing you can do). I even saw this little girl walking with her grandpop and the rest of the fam when she suddenly puked. You got that right she puked. I don't know why exactly but saw that with my two big (but unreliable) eyes. And so the staff came to clean off her mess = eeww. I've seen a lot of colleagues too! Then there're some douchebags who came over to bullshit me. Just kidding! They came to ask, but I wanted to tell them not to try at all because they're pretty dumb looking (hahaha). In the end, the other one said like "By the way, I'm George" (with his hand proposing a handshake which I refused). Am I being mean or what? Well I ain't Ms. Stupid they can play their pathetic little jokes with! Plus - they're bunch of ~~ugly~~ douchebags! (I didn't say ugly!!!)

Now people are flooding in FitFlop. And I'm running out of words. Then, there's three more hours. I think mother and father ape's coming tonight so we can all go home together.. safe and sound. Haha - it's timely though 'cause I have some cash I need to protect. And no I didn't win any lottery (I wish I did), this is money I need to put to the bank. Anyway, I'm actually thinking how I can end this post. I'm losing my never-there creativity! Hehe so, I thought maybe it's easier this way: END.

12 Hours - Part III: "Boredom"

2010-12-03T19:15:00.002+08:00

My phone is going crazy again.. it's telling me that I need to get a new one! And possibly a new post-paid service too - why not. This friggin day the only thing I probably hate the most is not being able to eat well, damn it. And times like these I'm friggin starving more than the usual! I guess I need ice cream at the moment.. but I'm not getting myself one! i hate temptations.

My partner’s doing Facebook while I’m writing (literally) this draft. There’s basically nothing else that we can do. We are bored to death like I said so. And when I get home at past ten I’d be doing a lot before I even get to bed to rest and that sucks ‘cause I so need sleep. Anyway, I almost tried the one-day-old chicken here, but instead, Eva got me the “tukneneng” stuff (small eggs deep fried or something) – which was fine but I think I’m good with four little ones and that’s it. I’m not so much of a fan with eggs.

Some hours ago I was laughing at those two lovers I saw earlier. They never left the bench for hours! Hugging and talking.. not that I’m jealous.. but they probably should’ve been in school!! I guess they left when the girl noticed her guy staring at me once in a while. (LOL) Oh well, she can have him anyway, he’s not halfway my type. Oh my gosh-! What a really really fat kid passing by right now-!

Suddenly, I’m thinking about my boyfriend. After seeing his display pic on Facebook, makes me wonder what he could be doing right now while I’m writing this crap out of boredom and getting paid for 12 long hours to do that! Hmm.. it’s probably around 11 AM in his country. He might be in school-learning, or at his place-learning, or.. sleeping? Eating? (most likely) ..or if worse comes to worst making out with someone else?! What the hell? (LOL) Change subject!

Too noisy here.. and I’m hungry again.. gotta get myself food! And finally, this ends at Part III. Thanks for hangin out with moi! J

12 Hours - Part II: "Pee"

2010-12-03T17:13:00.002+08:00

Haii. Somehow, I came back to myself from droopiness and almost falling asleep. It helps if you have visitors who suddenly appear in a much unexpected time! I liked that. And so I lost that feeling for a moment, scared it might be on its way back now. Although, my hopes for another rescue is pretty high.

1 hour and 19 minutes since I started writing the first part of this crap. I’m on pace for the second part hoping this time my ever waited partner arrives sooner. Not because I miss the person or something.. and besides the fact that I’m bored or anything.. but honestly? I wanna pee. And I feel the need to get off of this reclining chair fast! So come out, my rescue, come out. I desperately wanna be in the toilet to pee!

Still no sign of her. Not even with my unreliable eyesight. I’m staring at this couple sitting nearby, arm in arm, smiling at each other in their school uniforms. Ha-! I bet they skipped class to come and date here! I hope they don’t make out in front of my area though. And oh-! There’s that little kid coming up to them-! Too funny! (LOL) He watched them for a moment until the girl looked down to him and smiled. See? Kids know silly stuff! But still, I wanna pee.

Apparently, peak hours begin now (as for my own observation), and millions more bears and birds are coming in to migrate from wherever they came from. Cool. It’s like I’m watching the world work right now.. just like I dreamed to be doing. But I never thought it would be boring. Plus I still wanna pee.

Finally! Yea you know what I'm talking about. So it's been 2 hours ago or so.. need to stay up and alive again for another 4 hours and 10 minutes! On my way up to the toilet I was behind two nuns, funny how they're both short and laughing together and walked in a funny way too. I wonder if they ever think about stuff like sex and drugs besides the church and the bible. I mean, they're also human.. so I wonder if it ever crosses their minds. (LOL) Coming back from the toilet at the second floor I saw this man walking fast on his way out the mall, haha-! With my naked eyes I saw him reach for his underwear on his behind (underwear possibly in the wrong side of his ass) - too funny-! Then just now we happen to see the former-actress-now-politician woman who's known all over Tacloban and Region 8. She's so pretty.. perfect face, perfect bod, but I don't know if she has the perfect family as well. They may be one of the richest here - but not enough to make me jealous. It just makes me think how people go crazy with all eyes on her as if they've seen a Goddess who'd finally give them Php1M each!

I think I'll be seeing more.. so hold on for Part III.

12 Hours: "The Dialogue"

2010-12-03T16:41:00.003+08:00

This much is true: I am bored to death. I’m sitting in this cold, noisy place watching all people walk past me..back and forth..coming.. going..

At the very moment I see one man trying to get the chicken out of the huge grill (although I’m not sure if that’s what he’s doing); a guard walking around pretending to do his job to cover up the fact that he’s also bored and sleepy; two tenants from a restaurant chatting with what I imagine a dialogue below:

“Tenant1: Dude, I can’t hide what I feel for you anymore.

Tenant2: Me too, dude. But I don’t know how I can tell my wife.

Tenant1: Let’s just run away. How about tonight?”

My thoughts are so imaginative that watching these people come and go slowly becomes a picture of a busy jungle where monkeys jump and fly around from one tree to another. Wow! Some even have shopping bags! Then the lazy ones sit around and do what I do but I doubt they think what I think right now. Otherwise they’d be coming to get me! Oh my gosh – I just pictured their eyes turning red on their way to get their hands on me like hungry black panthers!

What a nice way to entertain myself at this very hour. Then I would need to keep doing the same in the next eight hours! I actually died with boredom four hours ago, and believe it or not you are reading a text written by my dead soul. I have to think quickly of other ways I can revive my helpless body back to life. Right now I hear different kinds of music of which I think are of 24 kinds playing at the same time! Pop, rock, kiddie, bells, radio, TV, funeral, etc. (LOL) I started calling them “sound” (very loud ones), then I thought “noise” would better fit the description. What the hell would I do with these candies on my desk? Trick or treat? What do I do with these food stalls? Add another layer of flab to my ever hot curves? No way! And so I have to die bumming.

I now realize it’s 30 minutes past when I started writing. Cool. At least someone is coming for help. I hope he or she is a good doctor. Nah I don’t think someone else would be far better of a doc than my boyfriend – although admittedly I ain’t sure about that yet. (LOL) I hope he doesn’t read this though. Okay, so there’s this female cheetah who walked towards my place and tried to read our signs and looked at our desk posters.. At first I thought she wanted to inquire, but then again she saw me and couldn’t handle my appeal so she walked back and didn’t bother. Well good thing ‘cause I don’t wanna see that cat stammer in front of my face.

There’s this ugly duck sitting on my comfy old square chair. I think I need to put signs saying: “PAY AS YOU SIT”. Not that I’m being selfish or anything, but come on, this is my area, it’s either they SIGN UP or BUTT OFF, right? I could earn extras per minute for having them sit on my chair! And I’m being mean again. So I gotta stop this thing now. What a really boring Friday! --- Wait, wait, wait, waaaiiittt!!! --- Here comes another fat ugly duck! How come they like sitting on my chairs?? He sat beside his friend which gets me imagining another friggin dialogue:

Duck1: I think we cannot sit here. (turned to me)

Duck2: I’m fat. I think this chair’s going to break apart. (stood up)

Duck1: --silent--

Duck2: (looking at our posts) Oi call center! (came towards me) Job fair? Do you have other jobs aside from those in the call center?

Me: --shook her head--

Duck2: So many jobs in call centers, right?

Me: Please step away and don’t talk to me. Otherwise I’ll have you delivered to the crocs for dinner.